As a mentor, career, and personal development coach I am always touting the importance of self-validation. The importance of taking back your power from others and living an empowered life. Struggling with this issue myself for many years I am well aware that learning how to validate yourself does not happen overnight, and even after learning different tools to use there is a process. But the sooner we begin to practice the faster we can see small strides of achievement. The following are five ways to start the process of healing and validating yourself.
Loving Yourself First
If you asked most of us if we loved ourselves, we would look at you with a smirk and say most definitely; I love myself. When I started my journey many years ago before I got married, I found out that I really didn’t love myself as I should. One night in a conference of my mentors was sharing about what love looks like and how we all have so many different ways of measuring it but that there is only one true measurement, and that’s how God sees love. That night, that statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I went home thinking about how I measure love and what it looks like to me. Now, I consider myself to have a pretty high standard of love but looking at Christ’s love compared to mine; there was very little to argue.
When I thought about all that Christ did and took because of his love for me, I was completely overwhelmed. Thinking about how he left a heaven I can’t truly imagine and came to earth to die a death no one should have to endure all because of the Father’s love for us; there is no comparison. We can only strive towards the mark of that high calling.
I decided to rake it down a notch and view love from a more common or natural perspective. I asked myself what does love look like to me.? If I wanted love from another person what would I expect of them? How would they treat me? What would they do for me? Where would they take me?
I saw myself writing down all of those things we say love is, from the intangibles like respect, care, and concern, to the tangibles like flowers dinners, beautiful gifts and jewelry and the like. My list got longer and longer as I let my mind roam free with a limitless picture of what love looked like to me.
At the end of my very long list, I had to face the tough question of how much of these things that I expected from someone else had I given to myself? That was a huge moment for me. I sat in stunned silence and had to will myself to breathe. Right then and there my whole thought process changed. I knew I had to start with loving myself. Without giving you the whole laundry list of things I wanted from others I can say I am making a lot of progress on my journey of loving me first. I challenge you to write down your list of what love looks like to you. And begin to check off the list of those things that you have done for yourself.
Part of loving yourself is speaking to your spirit and endowing yourself with love. Deep down inside we all want to hear great things from others. We want to hear how special and lovable we are. Well, there is no time like the present to begin endowing yourself with the positive affirmations you want from others.
Even if you have never had anyone in your life to tell you that you are special. It’s important that you begin the healing journey by affirming yourself. We often want from others what we are not willing to give to ourselves. The laws of the universe work just the opposite. It’s a paradox of sorts. We must give to receive. We must love to be loved. So all of those great things that you desire someone to say to you. Begin to say them to yourself. Tell yourself how wonderful you are.
Tell yourself how special, kind and considerate you are. Look yourself in the mirror and tell the person staring back at you that they truly are the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful person in the world. I challenge you to try it right now. Below are five of my favorite affirmations. You can start saying them right now.
• I am a beautiful shining light, a beacon for all to see and follow
• I matter, and I have amazing gifts to share with the world
• I was created on purpose and for his purpose
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am the great artistry and design of my creator
• When God created me he said I was good, never once did he take it back
Be Your Healthiest Self
Begin your journey of self-empowerment by becoming your healthiest self. Our physical health has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves emotionally. When you are ill or not in the best health, it is very easy for depression and other emotional issues to crop up. So start working on being your healthiest self. You will begin to see immediate results in how you start to feel about you. As you make progress, you will find your self-worth is increasing with each goal or milestone made. Some ways to work on being healthy include:
Start an exercise regime and be consistent. Exercise is not just for the overweight. Exercise helps to clear your mind and releases stress
Change your diet and ensure you are eating the right foods that your body needs. Every diet is not for everyone. Sometimes consulting certified nutritionist can help you optimize your health efforts.
Believe it or not helping others and giving of your time, effort and resources to someone in need can be one of the greatest self-worth boosts you can get. I have found the greatest knowledge of who I am and my capabilities comes from my work as a professor, mentor, and career coach. Helping others help you to see yourself in a different light and from a different perspective. While helping others (becoming a mentor, volunteering at a nursing home, etc.), you learn more about yourself and your gifts and talents. Often we will find talents that we never knew we had. Before I started volunteering for a nonprofit organization, I never knew I could or even wanted to work with kids. All of my professional life had been spent working in administrative positions training employees and managing departments. After leaving hospitality, I found myself teaching classes as a professor in colleges and universities. I was very content. That was until I asked to be on the board of directors for P&P Helping Hand Foundation. My experiences had brought to this place of preparing our youth for success. Working with young people as the director of our literacy program has become one of my greatest passion. I have found that helping others helps you to continue to grow in your journey, but it also helps you to realize that you matter. That you have something to offer and you and will continue to impact someone’s life for the good. That a huge self-validation booster.
Attract Healthy Relationships
As you become healthier emotionally, you will find yourself shedding old relationships. Most times they will walk away from you. You will find people saying that you are different. You’ve changed. And that’s the truth. You have. Embrace the change. Don’t feel bad about it. You are in a different frequency, and your conversations and behavior will no longer be the same. So it is okay to lose unhealthy relationships. So it’s okay to attract healthy relationships. Notice I said attract not seek. When you are emotionally healthy your energy and aura speak for you; you will automatically begin to attract the right kind of people that will continue what you have started.
As far as intimate relationships go, I think in loving relationships we nurture each other and feed each other with love and spiritual healing, our mates will give positively affirm you because you are both giving each other what the other person needs, but it shouldn’t be anyone’s responsibility to validate us. When we talk about validation, we speak in terms of others substantiating our being. Others being the reason we live. Needing others endorsement to feel okay with our essence. There is only one person that can substantiate your being, and that is you. God already put his brand of approval and called his creation good. So who else do you need to say that you are good?
I encourage you today to embrace your greatness. Embrace the very essence of who you were created to be. Stand in the mirror and smile at him/her and declare your victory. You are all the validation you need. Your brand of approval is all that truly matters. You came into this world alone, and you will leave alone. Your character will be the legacy left behind. Take back your power and know that you are amazing just as you are. That is all the validation you need. As a career and personal development coach I am always happy to help you find your purpose and your peace. For more information please review my website www.exclusivelyyoucoaching.com or contact me at Tonya@exclusivelyyoucoaching.com
Please share your stories of how you struggle with or overcame the need for validation. We would love to hear it. Leave a comment below.
One of my taglines, slogans, and brand of sorts is Embrace Your Inner Greatness. I use it in hashtags on twitter, Facebook and Instagram. It’s my message to people everywhere but especially the lost, wounded, hurt, heartbroken, and in particularly young women. It is expressed on the back cover of my book Words of Inspiration, Sister to Sister: So Then I Learned. And while you can probably find those words anywhere. Just do a quick google search and it will come up in many places. And, you probably think you know what I mean with those words, I want to clarify my thought process behind my positive affirmation for you to Embrace Your Inner Greatness.
You see before I started using it I had no idea it was such a used phrase. My usage of the phrase comes from two thought processes. One, as a professor, having taught many students I see too often how low self-worth and low confidence stunts the growth of our young people. Somewhere in their background, typically, their childhood they were told, you can’t, you are not capable, you are not the right color, or the right size or the right…and the list goes on and on. They are hardly ever told that they are good enough just as they are. This low self-worth manifest in their grades and behavior. They act out because they are seeking attention. They do poorly in school because they feel like what’s the use anyway and so the cycle of impoverished thinking continues.
As I began to see through these external actions to understand the internal self-loathing, I challenged myself to make a difference. I challenged myself to be a positive influence in their lives. I started looking with my heart and not my eyes. I challenged myself to look beyond statistics and stereotypes. I challenged myself to look beyond dreaded hair, gold top and bottom grills, pants hanging below the butt, Goth makeup, half naked bodies with beautiful young ladies baring their precious vessels so everyone can see, the profaned filthy expressions that comes from not knowing any other way to express themselves. I challenged myself to look beyond all of that and see the soul that God created. And behind the external armor of low self-worth is a beautiful soul that caused God to smile and say “it is good.”
Looking through his eyes of love and compassion for the human soul there is greatness in every soul that breathes. There is ability and capability. There is creativity and creative powers. There is powerful and prolific thought processes that can result in brilliant writers, authors, doctors, surgeons, pianist, musicians, athletes, activist, actors, humanitarians, entrepreneurs and so much more if someone took the time to look beyond the external and see the greatness that abides inside of us all.
Secondly, when we embrace our inner greatness we can clearly see greatness in others. For those of us that believe in Jesus Christ as our Lord, the scriptures says Greater is he that is in us than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4). In this battle between good and evil. Greater came to overcome evil. And he showed himself mighty as he died a horrible death on the cross and rose again on the third day claiming victory over death and the grave. That Greater power left this physical world but not without leaving a gift behind. He promised to give his spirit to anyone that would accept it. If you are a believer then you have accepted the gift of his spirit and so in you and I resides the same power that he had. He is limitless and so are we. So when I say embrace your greatness to believers. I am asking you to embrace the Holy Spirit that lives inside of you. Know that there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. Know that all things are possible for you. Know that you have the greatest power that ever existed living inside of you. When this power is acknowledged there is nothing that can stop you from being the best you that you can possibly be. You and I will reach our destiny as long as we embrace our greatness!!
Allowing the gift of the Holy Spirit to reign in our lives through the reading of his letters to us (the bible) you will begin to see others through his loving eyes and heart of compassion. When we all look with those eyes and hearts we understand we are all united in one mission, to love each other as He loves each of us. This brings about a clarity that allows us to see clearly the greatness that’s in us all.
I love you with Christ love,
Embrace your inner greatness and inspire someone today